Sunday, March 12, 2017

An Irreverent History of Hunters

From Alisaunder

In the beginning there were no hunters, because everyone was an elemental, battling across the young Azeroth. Then came the Old Gods, and trolls, who did use spears so close enough.

The Titans ( not a hunter ) came upon the planet and did see the Old God infestation and it was bad. Very bad, and did banish the elementals and create a plan to save The Chosen One by ripping the largest of the Old Gods, Y'Shaarj , right out of the ground. Clearly not a hunter.

Y'Shaarj died, sort of, ( clearly feigning death so maybe a hunter )  his parts scattered across the world and his beating heart ending up in Pandaria. But the wound left behind became known as the Well of Eternity.

Uncertain how to deal with the problem without killing the Azeroth, the Titans locked the Old Gods up and set up machines and constructs to police them, all across the world as well as subdue the minion armies of the Old Gods ( should have been hunters, I'm telling you ) . Who were still not hunters even though the races of Azeroth now included elves and Tauren , depicted with bows in the statues of Ulduar.

The Titans created a save file of Azeroth called the Emerald Dream, in case they needed to uproot any more Old Gods and departed.

Elune ( not a hunter but would totally be cool if we had a heal spec am I right? )  the mysterious goddess of the Moon found the planet and guided a tribe of trolls towards the Well of Eternity down the hill from Odyn ( not a hunter, probably some whiny millennial * ), chief minion of the Titans, where they were transformed into elves.

One of which, born with golden eyes to a great destiny, no the other one, became Queen Azshara and in her search for a husband invited Sargeras the corrupted Titan to Azeroth.

Unaware that her man had put on a few pounds and couldn't fit through the door, she invited the Burning Legion to attend the wedding while her mages tried to Summon Sargeras using the Well of Eternity.

Someone refused to click on the Summons though, and a group of rebel elves led by Illidan, Tyrande and Malfurion attacked the wedding guests and destroyed the Well.

The dps was so great it caused the continent to shatter into several pieces. Sadly, not hunter dps. Fricken OP fire mages.

Elune came to help her worshipers, the elves that survived. Malfurion, Arch Druid of the Druids ( NOT a hunter, thank Elune ) and the male night elves all went into the Emerald Dream to safeguard it, so they said, and did a pretty poor job of it I'm thinking ( Druids, why can we not tame you! ) and left all the women behind to become hunters. Except the priestesses. And the Wardens. ( Survival spec? Really? Fine whatever. )

The exceptionally good looking elves continued practicing magic however, and were banished rather than stop or, you know, become hunters ( Look I'm just saying! ).

In the new exiled Kingdom, the Windrunner family came to prominence, Sylvanas becoming Ranger-General (A real hunter! ) of Silvermoon .

The End.

*  "Whiny Millenials" is a teasing Joke with The Summoning Stone Podcast hosts. 

1 comment:

  1. Odyn is clearly a hipster, based on his beard. Probably drinking a PBR right now explaining how he dug artifact weapons before everyone had one.

    As a hunter, I appreciate this clear eyed or might I say eagle eyed view of history. I think you should author a follow up history of weaponry on Azeroth and how all weapons are clearly hunter weapons.

    Retoxicate - Aerie Peak